A Smile to Brighten Your Day
When I arrived at Nazareth House in July 2015, Fr. Jim Kolling was putting jokes in the daily activities bulletin here. He died almost a year ago, and he is still sorely missed. In May 2017, I thought I’d try my hand at taking over this job, submitting a series of “Smile” pages to the activities director, which she publishes about five times a week. These have gotten a pretty good response from the residents, so I’d like to share them with a wider audience. I have finally collected the whole year’s worth in an ebook, which you can read and download right here:
I’ve kept my original collection here below. These are in the order that I prepared them. Clicking on the text next to the thumbnail will open a PDF file with about a month’s worth of “Smiles,” two days per sheet.
Enjoy.
April 2018
Phobia, Donuts, School, Sleeping Pill, Big Game, Lottery, Twins, Poison, W, Teeth, Oxygen, Clean-Dirty, swims, Cat in Toilet, horses and cars, Stephen Hawking, Net, Dog and Bike, English…easy?, Smile Vaccination, Sound, Crazy Language, Gym, Phone Generations, AA Meeting, Beef, Politicians and Diapers, Food Names, Dead, Listening, Tesla Defibrillator, Months, Shrink Tattoo, Exercise, First Confessions, Spendthrift Wife, Lonely, Magician and Parrot, Marital Fidelity, Fission, TV Remote, Marooned Sailors, 25-Year-Marriage, Turn, Refillable, Age Humor, Fitness, Bad Advice, Magna Carta, Freedom, Teenagers, Balloon Trip, Immortality.
March 2018
Kidding. Doggie love. Diet. Blood. Boss. Nerves. Care. VW. Watchman. Conversation. Profs. Train. Tater Horror. Tail. Pavlov’s Cat. Swindle. Strain. Nails. Kitty Service. Fish. Procrastination. Toothbrush. Stress. Foreman. Job Security. Titanic. Speech. Coffee. Laugh more. Jesus in bar. Weekday. Cupboard. Lying. Mouse. Italian food. Infant Criminal. Youth & Age. Sermon length. Trail mix. Date request. Wingless fly. Crab cakes. Worship. Doggie Treats. Refunds. CalTrans. Veterinarian Diet. Handwriting. Wishing Well. Greek god. Eggplants. Biology, Intelligent Life. Women’s’ Magazines.
February 2018
Dentists. In-laws. 1st Tweet. Smith. Math. Taliban. Donut. Jump-start. St. Anthony. Dishes. Treadmill. Incapussitated. Poetry. Nocturnal Advice. Puns. More puns. Employment. Lawyers. Weight-loss. Airline regs. Cheerios. Dog Rules. Mr. Right. Novel Promotion. Genie. Invisible Man. Banker.
January 2018
Fire! Logic. Silence. Calvin Coolidge Wit. Sheep. Food. Motivation. Blonde suicide attempt. Dog. Snail. Wedding vow. Perfect peace. Thinking and willpower. Whose hand? Reality, hypothetical pessimism, consciousness. “Pray for me!” Black and white. Hip-hip… Happy birthday. Hell. Jewish parenting and gambling. Ten Commandments in courthouse. People as sandpaper. Full gas tank. Golf coronary. Fishing terms. Cat heaven. Inspector on a farm. Golf, golf, and more golf. Blonde swimmer.
Christmas: Santa’s nationality. Canceled! Reindeer. Advent. Train set. Good King Wenceslaus. Turkeys. Hot tub. Christmas shopping. Giving thanks. Reward. Home for Christmas. Southern wise men. Non-Christmas too: Deadly food. Playing house. Buffet. Tiny. Chemistry. Millionaire’s alligators. Dad’s ashes. Lawyer’s ethical dilemma. Ending unemployment. Jockey. Crowd dispersal. Seatbelt. Blonde police officer. Mourning breakfast. Walking on water. Baptismal preparation. Physical activity. Investment advice. Cookie disappointment.
Cow or tractor? Geometry. Lying on one’s resume. Four-legged chicken. Dad’s funeral. Short staffed. Truck driver & bikers. Flowers for the occasion. Bubba’s gift to his dad. Service dogs. Atheist and praying neighbor. Honor student. CEO. Bad day. Genius and idiot. Genie. Hearing aid and family, Going to Mars. Half drunk. Honest fisherman. Dumb kid. Last meal. Bad day in Vegas. Playing doctor. Stupid friend. Budget vacation. Becoming a priest. Lots of bad puns. And “Minnie Moore . . .”
Seniors. Laziness. Time. Deer vs. car. Mortality. Titanic. American sanity. Memory. Normality. Vengeance. Pew envy. Bad luck. It takes two. 2 docs. H2O. Dolphin training. 50-50-90. Optimist/Pessimist. Cats (lotsa cats). Unsaid things. Dreams. Dieting. Bread. Weaselly drinking. Apple car. Homework snack. Thoughts and fears. Dried grapes. Einstein brothers. Smart work. Dogs (not as many as cats). Smart salsa. Royal Russian dancers. Spam and puns and stuff . . .
This set contains a group of Irish jokes to be read during my trip to Ireland this month. Aer Lingus mistake. Newspaper ad. Last words. Bad news. Conspiracy. Promise. Goin’ to Cork. Mortality. Stereotypes. End of the Rainbow. Pubs. Pubs. Diggers. Water. Trees. Catholics. Pete’s widow. Irish eyes. Trophy bride. Bunny & clown. Funny punny. Attitude. Running on water. Hell & brownies & belief. Best friend. Refrigerator drama. Heart & brain. Life. Falling . . . trees. Trust, judgment, & police questioning. Irony . . . and other hard stuff.
Ice cream, water, tragic journey. High tech flyswatter. Disappointment at the zoo. Good neighbors & lawyers. Old folks. Humor. Kangaroo kid snacks. Old-time TV remote. Financial security. Bedtime. Bill Gates. Jobs & Mondays. Grown-up. One in a million. Retirement. Advantages of bank robbery. Horror movies. Careful driving. Animal training. Penalty gymnastics. Broken vase & dying young. Senior exercise. Round. Weddings & funerals. Blood pressure. Divorce. People trap. Joining hands. And a lot of stuff about the effects of eating . . .
Mosquitos. Freeway adventure. Auto service. Irony. Organization. Sock (it to me). Love of humanity. Tools and invention. Gadgets. Measurements. Walking. Last words before surgery. Longevity. Grace before meals. Secret Service quack. Irish population. Puns that cling like Velcro. Second opinion. On the Verge. Deliver us! Sticky milk. Lawyerly talk. Children on prayer and heaven. Kevin, Ryan and Jesus. Cheerios. Quiet in church. Bach. Punishment for speeding. New hieroglyphics. Crazy soldier. DNA surprise. Which side of the family? Coffee wisdom. Etc.
Inside/Outside. On Target. Safety steps. Gender Punctuation. Romance in Retirement. Italian napping. Senior discounts. Curious? Personality & attitude. Bishops vs. engines. Ideal man. Blessing of failed eyesight. Deep breath. Wedding guests. Anniversary Italy trip. English teacher gone bad. Mind and body. Knees. Party activity. Priest’s deathbed gesture. Marriage wisdom. Where is old age? Penguins. The only two clean limericks I could find! Like mother like daughter-n-law. God’s watching. Guinness & the fly. Heart surgery and motorcycle repair.
Exercise, religiously. Happy frogs, elephants, and geese. The new apprentice. Noah’s problems. Control. Growing young. School daze. God made you . . . Little Nancy’s goldfish. Lost and found. Counterfeit justice. Happy marriage. Hiccups. Algebra. Twins separated at birth. State Department. Gladys. Who’s your friend? Better tomorrow. Mom’s memory. Life-saving knowledge. Trust. F and change.Tree’s revenge. Chocolate math. Advantages of growing old. Avocados and milk. Smart choices of husbands. Older than dirt quiz.
(A disclaimer: I got these mostly from various internet sites, including Pinterest, and the generosity of some like-spirited friends. I’ve rewritten some for brevity, clarity, or topical interest. I alone am responsible for the content and selection of this humor. I hope most of them are funny, without being offensive – that’s becoming harder to do these days! I’m not aware of any copyright restrictions on these jokes and images, but if anybody has a copyright claim to anything here, or finds it seriously in bad taste, please contact me before you contact your lawyer (!), and I’ll remove it. I claim no copyright on any of these “Smile” pages or their contents, so feel free to share as your light-hearted spirit moves you.)
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September 2017
The Pilgrim Shepherd 