Irish Smiles

An Irish Smile to Start Your Day

While I’m away for a couple of weeks in Ireland, I thought I’d share some Irish humor with the Nazareth House community. I hope you enjoy it too.

On an Aer Lingus flight to Dublin, the air hostess announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mixup she said. Although 226 passengers were on board, they received only 80 dinners. She apologized but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, “If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available.”

On the eighth day, God thought, “What a boring bunch these humans are. Let there be fun and laughter in the world!” So He created the Irish.

Phone rings in the newspaper office. “Is this the Dublin Times?” asks Mick. “How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?” “Five Euros an inch,” a woman replies. “Why? What are you selling?” “A ten-foot ladder,” said Mick before slamming the phone down.

A sobbing Mrs Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass. He says: “What’s bothering you, Mary?” She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” “Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

Brian asks Brendan, “Why are you talking into that envelope?” Brendan replies, “I’m sending a voice mail, you idiot!”

Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.” “Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” Dr O’Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, Lord, I found one!”

Paddy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of Jamison and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone. The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.” Paddy explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.” The barman asks: “What do you have?” Paddy reaches into his pocket and says: “Only fifty cents!”

Mickey stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in a car?” Mickey replies: “In a car.” “Well that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.

Murphy walked his dog through the village every day. One day he is on his walk without the dog. His pal Billy sees him and asks: “Where is your dog?” Murphy answers: “I had to have him put down.” “Was he mad?” asks Billy. “He was none too pleased, I tell ya,” Murphy replies.

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick: “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary. In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: “Did you see the paper?! “They say I died!” The friend replies: “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better if I put all three shots in one glass?” The Irishman replies: “No! I have two brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order and drink a shot for them both as well.” The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks: “Did something happen to one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. After a while, one amazed onlooker said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?” The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: “What shall I do?” Mick barks back: “Call me an ambulance!” Paddy then says. “You’re an ambulance.”

Three guys – one Irish, one English, and one Scottish – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” says the genie.The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my dad’s a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the genie’s eye, the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.” The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”

“Hello, Aer Lingus Airlines?” said Big Mick Lonegan. “Could ye be tellin’ me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?” The voice on the telephone said “I’ll see sir, just a minute.” “Ahh, ’tis fast. Thank ye,” Mick said as he hung up.

Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without stopping for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.

Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
All their horses drowned.

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Dublin airport. “I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in from America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”. “Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the American. “I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman. “After all, he’s been away for a long time”. “I wonder if he’ll recognise you?” said the American. “Of course he will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away at all!”

Paddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time, Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”

Mrs Monaghan came into the newspaper office to pay for her husband’s death notice. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word, and he remembered Pete and so sorry about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman took a look and said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge. Mrs Monaghan thanked him and changed it to: “Pete died. Boat for sale”.